A Critic in Kanto
by between-the-stars
Summary: While passing through Vermillion City, Ash and Brock run into a ridiculing annoyance--named Seth--who makes fun of everything they do on their journey and makes fun of the TV show at large. Oneshot. Care for a "doughnut"?


Author's Note

What's this? A fanfiction from a nearly dead account? What's this? A long, tedious author's note? And what's this? Another Pokemon parody?

That's right. Another parody, but hopefully this one is more amusing than the other one. But please let me say up front: If you're looking for an enlightening story with a plot and deep character introspection and development—you'd best look elsewhere. This fanfiction is more like back-to-back jabs at the Pokemon TV show than anything else, and I had fun writing it like that.

Also, a warning for Ash fans: If you love Ash to death and can't stand the thought of people laughing at him—you'd best turn around as well. I've lost count of how many times my characters make fun of him. No flames, of course…just a whole lot of mild Ash-bashing.

Now then, I guess the rest of you are sticking around to read the actual fanfiction, since you've read this far into the mundane author's note. I imagine this story takes place several years into the future of the current show. For example, Ash is coming back from another realm and going home, and everyone has the Pokemon I wish they still had.

If you squint hard enough, you might notice some Pokeshipping hints (but probably only because I mentioned it). I chose Misty as the bridging character between Ash and Seth because, quite simply, I like Misty, and she's one of the relatively few characters in the show who has the audacity to point out when Ash is acting like an idiot.

At the time of writing this, I had seen at most _two_ complete, dubbed episodes of the Diamond & Pearl series, so if I have inaccuracies in those areas, bear with me.

And as a side note, around the time I was finishing this one-shot, an episode of Pokemon aired in Japan that I think, unless I'm mistaken (which is extremely probable), might actually have had Team Rocket reciting their old motto. (In the same episode, they had the "Team Rocket Song" and "Maemuki Roketto Dan" playing as _background_ music! That made me happy. xD) -cough- Sorry, just wanted to point that out.

_OKAY_, enough endless blabbering from me. Hope you enjoy the fanfiction, and hope you giggle a few times as the characters make fun of everything.

And here, have a free doughnut while you read. ^-^

* * *

**A Critic in Kanto**

"Holy Miltank! Hey—you guys, _you_ guys, hang on a sec!"

Ash and Brock turned around in the threshold of the Pokemon Center in surprise. They were not accustomed to being hailed down in Vermillion City, much less by someone who would begin a conversation with "Holy Miltank."

A gangly yet surefooted boy about their own age was hurrying towards them, a traveling backpack dangling from his left hand. When the tawny-haired boy screeched to a halt before the pair, the backpack trailed to the tiled floor and clattered as if it was filled with frying pans. "Hey," the boy said again. "Are you guys Ash and Brock?"

He had a confident, smart-alecky face, Ash thought, but Ash felt far too bewildered to make any guesses as to how the boy knew their names. "Sure," he said. "Why?" Ash started to ask, but the boy had just exploded with a tremendous, "I _thought_ so!"

Before either Brock or Ash had time to react, the boy was suddenly flipping through a worn journal (which he must have yanked from thin air). "You know," he was saying as he flipped the pages, "I was pretty skeptical about the whole thing at first."

And finally the boy whipped out a photograph from his travel journal and presented it to Ash and Brock: a posed shot of Ash, Misty, and Brock with a motley crew of Pokemon in front of a picturesque lake. Ash and Brock stared at the photograph.

"Uh…how exactly did you get this?" Brock asked at last.

"Oh, sorry—Misty gave it to me. We made friends at the Cerulean Gym, and she told me to keep an eye out for you guys in case you came home after your—what was it?—Fiore League. Oh yeah," the boy added as a belated afterthought of courtesy, "My name's Seth." He exchanged handshakes with the two of them, but Ash remained spellbound by the photograph.

His silence prompted Seth to talk some more. "You know—funny thing, I thought for sure the photograph had been vandalized, sort of how people draw mustaches and hearts and stuff on people they like or don't like."

Quizzically, Brock asked, "Why? There's nothing drawn on it."

Seth grinned, then laughed. "Aww, come on!" He jabbed a finger at the picture. "What kind of guy walks around like _that?"_

Seth turned brightly to Ash, whose head had shot up. "Why exactly do you have those little zigzags under your eyes? They look so _fake_, really, and it's not even that stylish. In fact, they're pretty stupid if you ask—"

Ash's had meanwhile been constricting in restrained fury. _"It was a laundry marker, now shut up," _he burst under his breath.

"Ahhh, I see." Seth was utterly unperturbed by the scarlet-faced boy. "Misty also tells me that you've got permanent hat hair, or something…"

If Ash had been shaking in rage before, he suddenly froze and stared at Seth in incredulity. "_What?_"

Deciding that the conversation was taking a bad turn, Brock resolved to shake off the pest. He handed the photograph back to Seth, and then checked his watch-less wrist and spurted unconvincingly, "Look, we'd _love_ to stay and talk, but we've got to get going.…"

"Great!" Seth answered. His cheery face clearly indicated he had detected Brock's evasive maneuver, but thought it extremely amusing. Shouldering up his backpack, Seth jogged up to the pair as they began plodding down the road. "I can come with you. Misty had a few messages to give you. I just remembered the first one…." And he mimed thinking hard.

Ash and Brock sighed in resignation.

"_Ah_ yes, the hat hair. Misty says that she's awfully disappointed that you changed hats."

"What? Why? It's just my hat."

"Apparently that's not what you say when it gets stolen. Misty seemed to like your old one—that ancient Pokemon Expo thing, the one with the 'less than' sign on it." And Seth raised his index finger to the air and squeaked in a bombastic, yet surprisingly convincing imitation of Ash's voice: " 'It's not the hat; it's the principle!' " (Brock chuckled slightly before Ash threw him a reproachful, pouty look.)

"My mom gave me this hat when I went to Sinnoh."

Seth cleared his throat and resumed his normal tone. "Ahh. That was nice of her! But anyway, _I_ think your switch of hats represents a change in the structure of your battling style."

Ash blinked, unsure if that was a compliment or not.

"In your 'less than' hat days—"

"Hold on, what do you mean by 'less than'?" Ash abruptly demanded.

"The 'less than' sign," said Seth. Ash continued to stare blankly. "You know, in inequalities." Ash blinked again. "Like in math class."

A moment.

"Oh! Like in math problems at school!"

"_Yeah_…" Seth murmured, nodding slowly as he raised an eyebrow at Ash's slowness. Then he rolled his eyes. "Sheesh, I bet you don't even know what algebra is."

"Algebra?" Ash repeated. "Is that a Pokemon?" (Clinging on his shoulder, Pikachu added a tilt of the head and a quizzical "Pikaa?")

Seth looked about to burst with disbelief. "_Yes_," he said, in a patronizing mysterious tone. "Algebra is a _mystical Pokemon_. It lives in the most _elusive_ of buildings and _only_ appears to those who know its true form."

"I wonder if it's in my Pokedex." And instantly, Ash zoned in and began scrolling through his red device. Seth gave Brock an incredulous expression that read, "Is this guy for real?"

"You've got to be better than this kid, right?" he asked Brock aloud.

"…I like to think so," Brock replied.

Seth watched Ash for another moment in amazement. "…Right. ANYWAY." He then clapped a hand onto Ash's shoulder, snapping him out of his Pokedex search trance. "My _point_ is," he said, "your old hat had a 'less than' sign. Your new one has a fermata."

"A what?" Ash removed his hat, revealing his everlasting hat hair, and scrutinized the red fabric.

"…Not music savvy?"

Ash pointed at Brock. "Brock can play maracas while wearing a sombrero and a fake mustache."

But Brock buried his head in his hands, mortified. "That has nothing to do with it, Ash."

Seth grinned. He gestured towards Ash's hat. "It's a fermata, a semicircle over a dot. In music, it appears above a note that you should hold longer, or until the conductor tells you to go on."

The two boys nodded in blank comprehension.

"So, your change from a 'less than' sign to a fermata represents how you're not a less-than-great trainer any more, Ash. You're a _somewhat _better trainer, but now it just seems like you're dragging out the series for as long as humanly possible."

"…Are you trying to imply something?"

Seth shrugged innocently. "Nooo, 'course not.

"—And speaking of things current and old," Seth continued, hardly giving Ash and Brock a moment's peace as Ash put his hat back on, "How many bikes do you owe now?"

Ash went rigid mid-step. Pikachu raised an eyebrow at him and prodded his shoulder encouragingly.

"…Should be three or four by now, right?" Seth was counting on his fingers. "Misty's the only one who's gotten hers back…but then there's May's bike…Dawn's bike…Opal's bike…. Dude, those things don't come cheap, you know. If I were in a fix like that, I'd be saving up my pennies right now. And Pikachu, man, you need to work on your aim when you're around girls' bicycles."

At this point, a threesome dressed in construction work uniforms whisked around the bend in the road, and in a business-like manner, approached Ash, Brock, Pikachu, and Seth.

"I'm afraid you kids will have to take a detour. The road is closed ahead," said the blue-haired man in the middle. The woman on his left was hurriedly readjusting her hard hat over her long magenta hair. And Ash had to look directly down to be able to see the third construction worker, because his height rose only a few feet above the ground.

"What's wrong with the road?" Brock asked curiously.

"Oh, it's an awful mess," said the woman, waving behind her for emphasis. "_Covered_ in potholes, and the road's about to give way any second!"

"On da bright side, t'ough," the short construction worker said, "we found a safe route that'll get ya all da way tru dose nasty parts of da road."

"It's right—over—_here_!" the three construction workers said together. In well-rehearsed unison, they motioned to their right, indicating a sign that read in seemingly official script, "detour."

Ash and Brock looked towards the sign in dismay.

"Guess we have no choice," Brock murmured.

"Yeah," Ash agreed. "I'd rather take a safe road any day instead of one that looks like Swiss cheese."

And the pair of them made for the alternative path.

Seth stood on the spot and called to them, half-amused and half-mockingly. "_Don't_ tell me you don't _recognize_ these guys."

The uniformed threesome stood up straight, as if preparing for a salute.

"We," squeaked the blue-haired man rapidly, "are just your humble construction workers, paid by the state and doing everyone a public service."

Seth burst out laughing. "…Oh man," he said as he wiped his eye. "You guys are good."

"Thank y—" the man began, but quickly had his foot stomped on by the woman and the short man.

"Well, we're gonna go on ahead," Ash said, and from the tone of his voice, it was quite evident that he hoped that Seth would decide not to follow.

Seth rolled his eyes and continued after Ash and Brock…albeit at a slow pace.

"Happy trails!" the woman worker trilled.

"Yeah, you toooaaaAAUUGH—" Ash's call of warm wishes fizzled off into a yell of surprise. He and Brock had vanished from the detour path and had plummeted through a thin veil of leaves into a cleverly hidden fourteen-foot hole. Surely no one could have possibly foreseen such a drastic turn of events. Seth continued towards the detour sign and the deep hole at the same idle pace as before. Indeed, he looked so untroubled that it was as if he hadn't even noticed the hole opening up.

The three construction workers, however, rushed to edge of the hole, and the short man whipped out an enormous rubber glove, which—_horror of all horrors_—extended straight down into the chasm and resurfaced clutching a prize:

"Pikachu!"

A certain trademark chorus of laughter broke through the surrounding trees, and the blue-haired man stood akimbo at the hole's edge, grinning gleefully. "Oops, it looks like we missed a hole."

Seth had made his way to the edge of the hole now, and stood gazing calmly into the hollow.

"Who _ARE_ you guys?" Brock exclaimed.

"You know, it's funny you should ask…" the red-haired woman said. (Seth tuned his PokeGear's radio, which began to play ominous theme music.)

And then: "Listen—is that a voice I hear?"

"It's speaking to me loud and clear!"

"Floating on the wind!"

"Past the stars!"

"In your—"

"_HOLD_ IT!" Seth suddenly erupted, and the threesome started in surprise. (The blue-haired man windmilled his arms dangerously at the edge of the hole as he momentarily lost his balance.) Seth's expression was a mixture of angry indignation and complete disbelief. "_What_—" he implored, "—in the _blazes_ was that?"

"It's our motto!" James exclaimed.

"_That's_ not your motto—" Seth said, fuming. "Whatever happened to 'Prepare for trouble,' 'Make it double,' 'To protect the world from devastation'?"

"Ohhh, _that_?" Jessie said, waving a dismissive hand. "That thing was _ancient_, we haven't used that old motto in years."

"It was gettin' so old, it'd grown mold," Meowth agreed.

"But—but—" Seth sputtered. He was now gesticulating and talking with his hands wildly. "What the heck were you _thinking?_ That motto must have gotten old the _second_ time you used it, but it was _still_ awesome and you _still_ used that same motto for almost ten years nonstop with creative variation, and when you use something like a motto for _that_ long, it evolves from a repetitive annoyance into a brandished tradition and is _thereby forever immovable!_"

By the end of Seth's brief speech, the three Rockets were in tears: They bunched up around him with clasped hands and starry eyes.

"You _really_ love our old motto better than our new one?"

"Of _course_ I did!" Seth said, now smiling heartily. "That thing was brilliant. Had spirit and hidden meaning, and it worked well with all your themed variations!"

Jessie, James, and Meowth exchanged glances.

"Why don't we say the old motto," Jessie suggested, grinning tearfully. "For old times sake." The other two nodded earnestly.

"Can you sing the Team Rocket Song?" Seth asked keenly.

Jessie and James patted their pockets, as if hoping to find something there. Below, from the still gaping hole, Ash shrieked half-hysterically, _"Seth, why don't you help us get out or do __SOMETHING?__"_

Seth turned away from the Rocket trio (which was still wearing its construction uniforms and clinging to the rubber Pikachu-holding glove) and down into the hole. "_You're_ the pending Pokemon Master, Ash Ketchum. I can't be fighting all your battles for you, you know."

An echoing yell from Brock and Ash combined: _"Seeeeeeeeth!"_

"Sorry, no can do, kid," James said ruefully, for the threesome had finished discussing the matter. "We sold our Team Rocket microphone system to pay for one of our ultra-mega-indispensably-indestructible mecha machines."

"And we left our costumes in the Meowth balloon," Jessie added.

"Really?" Seth sighed, genuinely disappointed.

"Dat's okay, we'll make it up to ya!" Meowth said.

And the three Rockets dressed in construction outfits whirled around to the cavity in which Ash and Brock were still seething.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Jessie announced merrily, "we now present to you the Team Rocket motto, nostalgia style, for a special encore performance!" (A small, grumbling "Aw man…" drifted up from the hole.) The trio took their positions, and Seth turned up the ominous music from his PokeGear once more.

"If we told you to prepare for trouble…"

"Would you be ready to make it double?"

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation!"

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the stars above!"

"Jessie!" A whirl of costumes.

"James!" Another whirl of costumes.

"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"

"Meeeeowth, dat's right!"

"Woooobbbuffet."

Seth burst into applause, and Team Rocket burst into tears, clinging to each other.

"Oh, my goodness, that brings back memories!"

"Do you remember that baseball-themed motto?"

"What about the one where we dressed up in yukata?"

Ash and Brock, however, burst out in resentment.

"Team Rocket! I should've known it was you three!" Ash exclaimed.

"Of _course_ you should have," Seth said.

The Rocket trio broke apart, and Jessie laughed. "Well, it was nice seeing you, twerps, but now we really have to _shovel_ off!"

"Let's see you dig your way outta dis one!"

"It might even take the _hole_ day!"

"You won't get away that easy!" Ash cried. "Pikachu! Use Thunderbolt!"

…In the time that it took Pikachu to attack and to fail attacking Team Rocket and the extendable rubber glove, and also in the time that it took Ash and Brock to be stunned by the Thunderbolt's epic failure, Seth had taken the opportunity to thank the three Rockets for saying their old motto. In mutual regard, the three Rockets were also able to thank Seth in turn for encouraging them to pick up the motto again.

By the time all four had exchanged handshakes, Ash had at last come up with an astounding plan.

"Pidgeot! Get us out of here and free Pikachu!" A Pokeball rose from the hole and exploded in red light; the enormous Bird Pokemon emerged and swung towards Team Rocket, who suddenly shrieked aloud in distress. Seth, though, folded his arms and whistled in approval. "Nice wingspan," he murmured.

…Unfortunately, Ash's brilliant plan plummeted into another roadblock, for Pidgeot was too large to dive into the hole to rescue its trainer. Facepalming, Brock muttered, "Oh for goodness—" before hurling another Pokeball into the air. "Steelix, go, just go."

The three Rockets were putting on a valiant (if not a losing) battle against Pidgeot for the rubber glove, when Ash and Brock were hauled from the hole by Steelix's tail. Both boys alighted from Steelix with acknowledgeable finesse.

"It's over, Team Rocket!" Brock cried, and his Steelix roared behind him in accord. Momentarily distracted, Team Rocket lost its iron grip on their indestructible rubber glove—which then flew into the air, corkscrewing spectacularly.

"_Pikachuuuuu!" _

Ash's battle cry elongated as he sprinted after the glove's released captive and made a fantastic dive, arms outstretched, netting Pikachu in a perfect catch, which kicked up a remarkably large cloud of dust.

"Alright!" Jessie cried forcefully. "You can have your yellow rat for now, but _we'll_ win this battle! Go, Arbok!"

"Go, Weezing!"

"Steelix, use Iron Tail!"

"Pidgeot, Wing Attack!"

"Poison Sting!"

"Sludge!"

In the ensuing battle, plumes of dust and smoke began curling around the road and into the air. While the trainers were getting into the fight, Seth again broke into unwonted applause.

Ash glared at him from the midst of the battle. _"What the heck are you clapping for?"_

"Hats off to you, Ash—that was an incredible catch back there! And seriously, seeing that and the way you guys throw Pokeballs with that fantastic spin on them, I think the whole lot of you should join a major league baseball team."

"_Oh, come on!"_ Ash shouted, livid. _"Send out a Pokemon! Don't just stand there CLAPPING!"_

Seth's suppressed grin should have told anyone that he was fighting back the tremendous urge to burst out laughing at Ash's reaction. Then, taking a cleansing breath while the others continued battling, Seth regained his composure somewhat.

"Steelix, dodge it!"

"Poison Sting again, Arbok!"

"Come on, Weezing!"

"Use Gust, Pidgeot!"

"Send out a Pokemon, huh?" Seth reached into his bag and coolly pulled out a Pokeball. A Golduck emerged.

"Now, Golduck," Seth said, sardonically leaning on his companion's shoulder. "Let's watch and observe these _fine_ battling techniques."

"Ahhh! Weezing!"

"Pidgeot, dodge it!"

"Steelix, try Bind again!"

Standing calmly on the sidelines, Seth and Golduck took on the appearance of two extraordinarily unimpressed sports commentators.

"Did you see that brilliant move by Ketchum?" Seth asked presently. Golduck replied with a nonchalant, "Gobun, gobun." "Absolutely seamless teamwork!" his trainer continued. "A good trainer always tries to think with a clear mind that a Pokemon in the thick of battle might not have. Unless Ash had told Pidgeot to dodge, of course Pidgeot _never_ would have thought to do such a thing." Golduck chuckled.

"Poison Sting, Arbok!"

"Pidgeot, dodge it!"

"I mean, honestly, with that _dangerously repetitive_ Poison Sting, Pidgeot _needs_ that quick mind to tell him to dodge! I mean, if your trainer doesn't tell you to dodge, you'll just stand open-mouthed while razor-sharp barbs are whistling toward you, am I right?"

The battle raged on. Together, Seth and Golduck were cracking up with laughter.

It quickly became evident which side would win, and it wasn't long before a massive group attack of Iron Tail, Whirlwind, and Thunderbolt sent the three Rockets and their Pokemon soaring into the sky.

"Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again!"

Ash and Brock exchanged laughing countenances. Seth and Golduck shielded their eyes from the sun's glare as the Rockets glinted in the sunlight.

"I suppose their bright white uniforms reflect the sun," Seth said. "Or maybe it's the bottlecap collection." Then, to Ash and Brock, he asked, "Say, do you ever think about what happens when they land?"

The two boys' grins faded, and for a moment they seemed tempted to give Seth and Golduck a blasting off worthy of Jessie, James, and Meowth.

"I take that as a 'no,' " Seth said, countering Ash's stony glare with a shamelessly playful grin. But then the grin faded, and he sighed. "You guys are so darn _hard_ on those three!"

"No, we're not!" Ash said heatedly. "They're the bad guys!"

"Sure, they're the 'bad' guys. Although, sometimes I think they have a bigger fan base than you guys do."

"Fan…base?" Brock repeated.

"You guys don't really know them all that well."

"We don't _need_ to get to know them!" Ash spouted. "Don't you _get_ it? They're the bad guys!" He had turned crimson again. "_Bad_ guys!"

"Another thing," Seth said, going on in a sly tone that suggested he was testing them. "Why do you always stop them from capturing wild Pokemon when you're around?"

Ash seemed about to explode. _"Because we know they'll be used for evil!"_

"So, then," Seth went on innocently, "Why don't you liberate the Pokemon they already have?"

"Because—because—" Ash was still fuming even while he hesitated, groping madly for words. _"Because that would be stealing!"_ Then, pausing slightly, he added less angrily, "…What does 'liberate' mean, anyway?"

Before Seth could comment, Brock steered Ash by the shoulders in the direction of the road. "…IIII think it's time we moved on."

"Oh—right," Ash murmured. Their Pokemon were recalled, and the two of them started off down the road once more, and Seth and Golduck were quick to follow.

Ash raised an eyebrow at Seth and Golduck. "Y'know, you should have been helping us battle instead of just standing there."

"Ehhh, you didn't need the help. I was observing. Besides, you had it under control, right?"

Ash grumbled incoherently in reply.

"They had it under control, right, Golduck? Right, Pikachu?"

"Gobun."

"Pika."

"Right! Now, a question for you, Ash. Is Pikachu a strong fighter, or not?"

Ash started. "Of _course_ Pikachu's a good fighter! What are you trying to say _now_?"

Seth smiled. "Well, I hope you'll forgive me for saying so—" (This he said mostly to Pikachu.) "—but your Pikachu seems to be awfully inconsistent in battles. I mean, as I've heard it, he's stuck with you everywhere you go, through all the regions and all the leagues. He's topped the Orange League Champion's Dragonite, he has Thunder attacks that raise surrounding rocks into the air, and yet—he gets totally walloped by a wild Buizel. Now why is that? Consistency, Ash, consistency."

"I thought you said that I was a good trainer."

"When we were talking about your hat, I said that you were a somewhat better trainer than in the past. Now if I were to continue this interview and write up an article about you—"

"_I won't let you do that!"_

" 'If' is the key word, 'if.' Now, then, if you've learned anything in these many years in traveling, what would it be? What are your words of wisdom?"

" 'Words of wisdom'?" Brock said, with a hint of mockery in his voice as he looked at Ash straining to think.

At length, Ash said, "I've learned that friendship and time are important, I've learned not to procrastinate when training for a league, and I've learned that when Pikachu doesn't feel like cooperating, to wear rubber gloves."

Seth blinked. "You know, you were doing pretty well with that first one, but then your advice went downhill from there."

But Ash grinned at Pikachu. "Just kidding, little buddy."

For a while, making their way down the road, Ash and Brock enjoyed a rare period of blissful silence, empty of Seth's disparagement. Seth was tuning his PokeGear to some peaceful background music when he suddenly remembered something else and broke the silence, much to his companions' dismay.

"Oh yeah," he said. "Another thing Misty wanted me to check up on with you guys was if you'd seen Jigglypuff around recently."

"Jigglypuff? Well, gee, I don't know—when _was_ the last time we saw it?" Brock wondered.

"We saw it all the time in Kanto, Johto, and the Orange Islands…."

"But I don't know if it even showed up in Hoenn or anywhere afterwards."

"We saw _a_ Jigglypuff."

"But not _that_ Jigglypuff with the marker/microphone."

"I have to admit, though: That microphone was full of _own_," Seth said, grinning insolently.

"Well, I guess we haven't seen Jigglypuff in a while, then," Brock summarized, adding, "Any other messages from Misty?"

"Yes, actually. I forgot to tell you guys that she sends you her love, right? Well, she does, and…um, also, she was wondering if you had a spare inner tube that she could borrow."

Ash and Brock raised eyebrows at each other. "_Inner_ tubes? Whatever for?"

"For Psyduck's swimming lessons. Apparently Gyarados accidentally burst her old one during training. And that Gyarados _also_ pwns."

"Definitely. Sorry, though—no inner tubes."

"No problem." Seth said. Then, after a short pause: "Alright, so Misty's a water gym leader and there's _no way_ she'd _ever_ be without spare inner tubes, but I just really wanted to say that her Gyarados is awesome—_'cause it is_."

Ash, though, happily cut across Seth and pointed ahead. "Look!" he cried. "A Pokemon Center!" And with that, he took the distance at a run.

Brock, Seth, and Golduck followed. "A Pokemon Center in the middle of the woods and off the road?" Seth said.

"Yeah," Brock replied. "For long routes, they're very helpful. I hear they're building all kinds of new ones in Kanto due to some extra funding."

"Right," Seth said dubiously. "They must be in the same areas as those vacant, conveniently-placed log cabins, which are always found right when you guys most need shelter."

But Brock was no longer listening. The moment he and Seth had set foot in the Center, he had thrust forward with superhuman speed and seized the hands of Nurse Joy (who had formerly been tending to Ash's Pokeballs). His eyes the shape and size of enormous pink Valentines, he began reciting a suave, poetic sonnet—"Oh, 'cross hills and seas have I gone, but nay / That any lady be as fair as you, / Who before me…"—while Ash and Nurse Joy stood alarmed and taken aback, blinking.

Seth, though, strode forward with the grim efficiency that was reminiscent of Misty's old ear-grabbing days. But instead of seizing Brock's ear—("A perfect rose pales in comparison, / For Joy is a joy…" he was now saying.)—Seth made for one of Nurse Joy's seized hands. Squashing the romantic tone like a Pecha Berry under a Snorlax, he lifted up Nurse Joy's left hand and pointed to a small ring on it, saying flatly, "Brock, man—she's engaged."

This news hung suspended in the air for a split second before it fell on the guy like a cinderblock weight of seventeen tons.

"En-_GAGED_!!" Brock caterwauled. Then, crestfallen, he slumped to the floor, emanating blue hues.

"Oh my," murmured Nurse Joy in dismay.

Ash, however, inclined his head. "I've never met a married Nurse Joy before."

"You must have sometime!" Seth exclaimed in (cough) "surprise." "You guys must have met at _least_ a few Doctor Jays."

"Doctor…Jays."

"Sure. They all look alike, too. There are also the identical Policemen Johnnys."

Ash and Pikachu's expressions were virtually frozen in skepticism, and even Brock had been summoned from his solitary corner of the doldrums to turn his stare from the floor to Seth and Nurse Joy, who finally spoke up, her voice laughing.

"Surely you boys didn't think we were clones!"

"Jay meets Joy, and Johnny meets Jenny."

"It's a repetitive family tree, I can tell you that. I'm Joy the six-hundred-and-twenty-seventh."

"Is your fiancé…Jay?" Brock asked weakly.

"Oh no," Nurse Joy answered brightly. "I'm marrying the most wonderful man in the world, named Danny."

Ash responded with, "Then aren't you totally ruining the pattern, marrying some other random guy?"

But at this, Nurse Joy suddenly bristled and pushed her hands upon the countertop, her eyes boring into Ash with a scathing, fierce glare. "_Now see here_, young man, do you want me to treat your Pokemon or _not_?"

And from there on out, it was a swift visit in the Pokemon Center. As soon as all three had had their Pokemon checked up on, they scurried from the building until they were well out of earshot and had covered some decent ground. Brock steered them into the woods beside the road once again.

Ash and Brock gave a sigh of relief.

"Well," Brock said, recovering, "how about some lunch?"

Ash perked up. "Yeah, that sounds great! I'm starved."

"What are you planning to make?" Seth asked, glancing at Brock's large supply backpack, which he had just slung off and was rooting through.

"Stew!" Brock answered brightly, whipping out a ladle and a pink apron in a flourish. A dozen ingredients were magically whisked onto a nearby picnic table in the blink of an eye. And just as quickly, Brock was chopping up scallions.

"How the _heck_ did that cooking cauldron fit in that backpack?" Seth wondered, for he and Ash were staring hungrily into the instantly bubbling cooking pot.

Then Seth murmured, "I should have known."

"…Should have known what?"

"Should have known you'd be having stew. It's pretty widely accepted, and it's much more multi-cultural than…" And here Seth glanced sideways, trying not to smirk. "…_doughnuts_."

"Hey, that's right, we haven't had doughnuts in a long time, Brock. You should make 'em again," Ash said.

"That's a great idea!" Brock concurred, now peeling potatoes. "Those doughnuts were great. Jelly-filled are my favorite! Nothing beats a jelly-filled doughnut!"

Seth scoffed, smirking against all his willpower. "Aaaand what ingredients do you need to pick up to make these…_jelly-filled doughnuts_?"

Brock stopped dicing carrots long enough to ponder this question. "Hmm…I think I need some rice, some seaweed, and some umeboshi. And some sesame seeds might be good—"

"HA!" Seth cried abruptly, pointing a laughing, triumphant finger at Brock and Ash. "So you _admit_ that your 'doughnuts' are, in fact, made of _rice_?"

Ash and Brock swapped bewildered looks.

"Uh…yeah, they are."

"SO then—they're rice balls!" Seth exclaimed.

"No, they're not. They're doughnuts."

"Nope. Rice balls—or onigiri!"

"Doughnuts!"

"Rice balls!"

"Doughnuts!"

"_Rice_ balls!"

"Look, you idiot, those don't _exist_! They're _doughnuts_!"

"They're _rice balls_, and 'sandwiches' don't roll downhill. Rice balls."

"_Doughnuts!_ D-O-U-G-H—"

"Fine, fine," Seth finally said, waving his hand dismissively as he rolled his eyes. "Have your little 'doughnuts.' _I'll_ have my un-censored onigiri."

"They're doughnuts."

"Yeah, well, your seiyuu know I'm right."

"Our what?"

"_Forget_ it," Seth said in mock testiness, but he was in stitches with laughter a moment later.

Soon after the stew (which was argument-free), they were on the road again. Glancing further ahead at the splitting trail, Seth asked, "Now a question, Pokemon Masters in Pending: Why are the forks in the path so darn _convenient_? The crossroads are always perfectly split, as if they were made exclusively for the event of good-byes. It's kind of suspicious."

Seizing upon this question, Ash asked eagerly, "So, Seth, you're not going through Saffron City, are you? You must be going a different direction. We're going through Saffron, Cerulean, and Pewter to Pallet Town."

"Actually," Seth said enthusiastically, with a sort of animated, mischievous grin that made Ash's heart sink, "I've had a ton of fun walking with you guys. Everything you _do_ is mocking _gold_! I _love _it! How 'bout we travel together from now on?"

Where usually there was a hearty welcome and eager encouragement, there was absolute silence, with the exception of a lone Kricketot that could be heard chirping in the background. Ash and Brock were staring at Seth, mouths hanging partially open, totally blank for words.

Seth leaned forward and cupped his hands in a mock whisper: "This is the part where you say, 'Sure! The more the merrier!' "

This classic line prompted Ash and Brock to slowly turn and exchange disconcerted glances with each other. Both frowned helplessly.

Seth, catching the exchange, clapped his hands once and exclaimed, "Excellent! It's decided, then!" And Ash and Brock seemed to jolt, as if they had both just received a shock from Pikachu.

But Seth, laughing at the pair of them, pranced ahead toward Saffron City, singing piercingly: "Together forever, no matter how long! From now until the end of tiiiiime! We'll be together, and you can be sure—that forever and a day, that's how long we'll stay—"

"Oh, put a sock in it," Ash grumbled as he shuffled past him.


End file.
